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whatever happens

April 2017

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whatever happens

I got my first review from YouWriteOn, and it was excellent! I'm not saying it was all good, but the criticisms/suggestions were really helpful. If all my reviews are even close to this one, the book will be much better for this venture.

I am going to put the review under a cut, for TN mostly, since she's the only one who has a copy, and I'm curious about whether she agrees with some of it. BTW, I have officially changed my heroine's name to Naia, and the title, at least for now, is "Redhand".


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Kathy,

I almost passed this one by and am quite glad I didn't. You are working with a classic storyline here, with Naia and Jil your Frodo and Sam. The inclusion of Uru gives it another dimension that should enhance the proceedings.

The story so far moves well. Your characters are convincing and you have created a world that so far seems to have consistency and texture. What I have are little comments.

The tone of the piece stumbles a few times, both in dialogue and narration. Words and phrases like "creepily" and "We'll hope it's the former" seemed out of place in this world. And while I think it might work well further down the line in the story, the chipper, upbeat, buddy tone between Naia and Jil as they head out on their dangerous quest seemed a tad out of place.

You may want to pare down Enath's dialogue as she is dying. I'll bet you can convey not only her wishes but her pain better with fewer words.

I'm still trying to comprehend the concept of a bored bear. It kind of works, but it still seems like you are setting us up for the summoning. How about having Uru's contentment disrupted? Make him obey grumpily instead of jumping at the opportunity to break out of a routine?

There are some dialogue attributors that could be left out. An example is:

"This is ridiculous!" he burst out.

What he said and the exclamation point tell us the words burst out of his mouth.

The moment of Naia not only approaching Uru but putting her hand on his head is dealt with in such a matter of fact way, when you could really make a moment out of it. Naia striding past the circled warriors, approaching the enormous creature with no hesitation. It doesn't have to be overblown, but it could be a neat scene.

I really enjoyed reading "Redhand" and I wish you the best of luck!

Alan

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