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whatever happens

April 2017

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hard journey

My mom died before I could get to Florida. I did get to talk to her on the phone the day before she died - she was incoherent, but my sister (who held the phone for her) said she knew who was calling and she was happy to hear my voice.

This was my first funeral. We had a viewing on Thursday evening and then a service at the interment site on Friday morning. All of it was beautiful; Mom would have loved it. Flowers were everywhere. The funeral home's chaplain got together with Terry, Dad and me to get some recollections of my mom, and he composed them into a lovely service. More people showed up than we expected, although not all the family could be there, and everyone cried. My mom had the knack of making friends everywhere she went, and one of the mourners was, believe it or not, her hairdresser. My dad was broken up, but immensely brave. Even so, all of this was so, so hard. I can't even imagine how it must have been for Dad and Terry, who have been with her through all her suffering and who had to make all the final arrangements. Mom and Dad had long ago decided on interment in a mausoleum, picked their place, and had a plaque there, so that much was done. It's a good place, with good people to tend it and a pretty country setting. Mom was happy with it, and now she's resting there.

The only way I'm dealing with this at all is not to talk about it, so of course now I'm crying. Sometimes I sit and think, This didn't happen. It's not possible. Mom can't be dead. She was a woman with a big personality, so that sort of denial is easy to slip into, even if only for a few seconds. I wish you all could have met her. She'd have loved you - Mom never met a stranger. And she loved to laugh. The world is a greyer place without her.

If you have good thoughts for me, send them to my Dad, Roy. This November 13th would have been their 63rd anniversary. He's been Mom's caretaker for many years now, even to the point of being a pioneer in the new home dialysis system. Now he's feeling adrift. Still, he soldiers on, and the family is supporting him as best they can. As for me, I'm as good as can be expected. Stunned, sorrowing, yes, but I'll be OK. I have my roomie to support me, as I supported her when her mother died. And I have you guys, too. Thanks for being here.

Comments

I am surrounding all of your family with comfort, love, light, and peace. Your mom is surely with all of you in spirit, every minute of the day. Your description of her, and things you've told me over the years, all make me love her; I wish I could have known her. Truly, as mirana pointed out, you do have her great heart and warmth; and her qualities that she has passed on to you make her live on. Still, I do know how hard it is, and how real the disbelief can be. I will email you soon, because I have a lot more to say, but for now, know that I love you, my dear friend. *hugs tightly*

Edited at 2014-11-07 03:06 pm (UTC)
Speechless. What can anyone say when something this huge and devastating happens? Just...I'm sorry. I wish I could make the hurt go away. So I'll just send love and healing thoughts.
I cried reading this entry. *HUG* I'm so sorry. Healing thoughts coming to you and your family in abundance. Especially to your father. I saw the entry about his heart attack, and I hope everything is okay.